Many of you know g-spot expert Deborah Sundahl as Fanny Fatale. In “Ask Fanny,” an exclusive column created just for this newsletter, she answers your questions about female ejaculation and the g-spot.
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Dear Fanny,
I have been trying so hard to make my wife have an orgasm but sometimes I feel like I never will. I have never had this problem before with any of my past girlfriends. She has a tough time being vocal talking about it. But I feel I'm blindfolded walking around in the dark. Her clitoris is small and hard to locate until she gets aroused. But even then very small.
The best way to get her feeling good is to stroke from the root downward but not direct contact just the hood. She likes penetration the best. I know her clit is very sensitive as with a lot of women. But she only says something when it has become annoying and that is to stop.
I've tried a female ejaculation method a few times and once she said she had to pee, I tried to explain that it was okay and to push it out but, she got freaked out about it and that was that. I got the feeling I was putting too much pressure on her and so I backed off. I love my wife and I want her to have pleasure in every aspect of our marriage. To just enjoy sex myself and not have her feel the same is not my style.
Please help.
John, via e-mail
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Dear John,
There is nothing more discouraging than a partner, male or female, who is unresponsive. It sounds like you are doing everything right technically and trying to communicate. Unfortunately, there is not much more you can do. Your partner has to take her own sexual pleasure seriously, which means understanding her erotic body and how it works and how to communicate that to you.
Without her involvement, it will always be a frustrating one-way street. She will remain unsatisfied and you will feel drained and unhappy. You must have a conversation with her about this. You simply cannot do it for her, or think you can magically bring her to life, and the more you try to do it for her, the more she will withdraw.
Obviously, if she “enjoys penetration” and felt the “urge to pee” (which is the urge to ejaculate) when you did the female ejaculation techniques, her G-spot is awake and ready to ejaculate.
The fact that her clitoris is very sensitive and she sometimes tells you to stop because it’s annoying tells me that she would enjoy penetration and ejaculation with you, more than all this focus on her clitoris.
But her mind has to be willing. I've said this many times in this column, but it bears repeating: the biggest obstacle to women learning to ejaculate is letting go, both physically and emotionally. Your partner is not ready to let go emotionally with you or with herself. This is the issue that must be addressed.
You could try giving her my book and telling her you think she would find useful information in it that would help her understand her body and the type of sexual fulfillment (G-spot) that it seems to you that she is physically inclined toward. Tell her it’s a gateway to higher love and intimacy, and that you want that.
And that is the question to ask yourself: are you expressing love and tenderness in your sex play, or are you too focused on technique? If she can open up emotionally a little more and you can not be focused on technique but on emotional connection with her, then the door will be open to sexual satisfaction for both of you. Use your penis as a rod that conveys your emotions of love to her through her G-spot, forgetting all technique, and you might finally see some sparks.
Fanny
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Send your questions to askfanny@fatalemedia.com.
