Many of you know g-spot expert Deborah Sundahl as Fanny Fatale. In “Ask Fanny,” an exclusive column created just for this newsletter, she answers your questions about female ejaculation and the g-spot.
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Hello, Fanny,
My name is Christina and I am a 20-year-old college student. I bought your book Female Ejaculation and the G Spot for my boyfriend. It is his fantasy to have me ejaculate.
At first I was skeptical but now I think I can do it and I really want to. I have been masturbating by myself since I was about 10 with strictly clitoral stimulation and I always orgasmed. I never felt like anything was missing until recently. Also, with my boyfriend, I rarely orgasm and never with the amount of muscle contraction that I get when I do it myself.
Do you think that if I just keep working at it with him and learn to ejaculate then that will make me orgasm more often with him? It worries me a little that when we set aside time for me to try to ejaculate it just feels painfully like I have to urinate, there really isn’t much pleasurable about it. I feel like I am breathing and relaxing as much as possible. Also, I can’t really try it myself. I have difficulty reaching inside myself enough to move my fingers for stimulation. Do you have any suggestions?
I also recently observed something when I was making love to my boyfriend. When he gets into the position where he is over me and my legs are up on his shoulders, I don’t feel anything pleasurable like I am about to orgasm (at least like how it feels when I do it myself), but I begin to have difficulty breathing and start crying. This worries me and my boyfriend. Is this normal? Is there anything wrong with me?
Thank you so much for your help. Your work does a lot of good for a lot of women.
Sincerely,
Christina F.
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Hi Christina,
First of all, I want to thank you for writing me. It seems you are having a happy enough sex life with yourself and with your partner, and that's a really great accomplishment at your age. So, let's just take a breath together and be happy about that.
You said you do really want to ejaculate. I assume it’s not pressure from your boyfriend making you say that, okay? Or wanting to satisfy his fantasy? Because if it is, you really shouldn't try right now, and that's okay, and I'm sure it will be okay with your boyfriend. You do it for YOU, when YOU are ready - even if its years from now.
Why don't you orgasm with your boyfriend as much as you do by yourself? Is it self-consciousness, or are you not doing the same thing with him as you do yourself. If so, can you get him to do the same thing with you that you do by yourself?
If it’s self-consciousness, then that's another matter. I bring this up because you talked about a vulnerable sexual position that makes you cry. My guess is that you aren't quite ready to be that vulnerable with your boyfriend, or perhaps any man - and that is okay.
If that is the case, please listen to yourself and respect that. You are not abnormal. If you can't breathe, you can't breathe, so don't go there. There is so much else to enjoy with sex, not everyone can do or wants to do everything that is possible or imaginable.
SEX IS PLEASURE, so if it’s not pleasurable for you, stop immediately. If your boyfriend pressures you, Christina, get another one!
That said, and assuming that he is not pressuring you (or that you are pressuring yourself to fulfill his needs), and that he's a great guy, then yes, in time you will learn how to orgasm with him, and also to ejaculate.
As I say in my book, BE PATIENT. As for having the painful feeling of having to urinate, is that not ejaculation knocking on your door? (Please reread chapters four and five!) And remember, the biggest obstacle to ejaculating for women is “letting go” - both emotionally and physically.
It sounds like he is stimulating you well, but if it’s too intense, remember you need to feel relaxed, safe and ready, or you won't ejaculate. Also, remember many women cannot ejaculate with something in their vagina - is he removing his fingers when you feel you need to push out the ejaculate? When you feel that “urinating” feeling... go with it for a minute or so and then push out. See what happens.
I think you are “on the verge” of ejaculating. See if these suggestions help. Take your time, don't pressure yourself or be pressured, and enjoy your lifelong development of your sexuality. You are on a good path, just let it develop.
As for using your own hands, you may need a toy when you want to practice by yourself.
You go, girl!
Deborah
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Send your questions to askfanny@fatalemedia.com.
