Many of you know g-spot expert Deborah Sundahl as Fanny Fatale. In “Ask Fanny,” an exclusive column created just for this newsletter, she answers your questions about female ejaculation and the g-spot.
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Dear Fanny,
I'm curious whether having a "tipped"/"tilted"/retroverted uterus has an impact on G-spot location and potential arousal? I am able to enjoy sex, but never been able to "cum." I'm 31. This summer, I had a pregnancy that went badly, ended up with ultrasounds (both vaginal and external) and learned they couldn't get a good picture of what was going on because it was "tipped." I already have two kids. Ended up having to have one D&C because of the complications on this pregnancy -- but because it's retroverted (and, from what I've been reading, possibly "crimped"), the D&C wasn't complete and they had to go in and repeat the procedure. I was so upset at that point, I had them do a tubal ligation at the same time, too. So if that part of my female reproductive system is all turned around, is it possible that my G-spot and arousal points may be located somewhere else, too? I thank you so much for your time and effort.
A.N.
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To Readers: I wrote back to A.N. and asked her if she had ever orgasmed with herself or with a partner. She told me she had come close to being orgasmic with herself and a partner, but her only orgasm was when she was raped at 16. She had two years of therapy for that to treat anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. She married young, had one abortion, a few miscarriages, the D&C and tubal ligation. She also has two children. She can feel some sensation on the tail of her G-spot, and mostly clitoral sensation is too sensitive, too painful and annoying, or numbing.
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Dear A.N.
Thank you for your letter. When I first read it, I suspected there was an issue with abuse. I am NOT a therapist; however, far too often reproductive issues have an emotional component resulting from sexual abuse. The medical establishment doesn't think this way, but most mind-body-spirit practitioners do. And the fact that you are having trouble orgasming is very likely related to this rape as well.
I do not mean this abuse caused your “tipped” uterus. But complications created in your emotional life by the rape create “complications” psychologically that show up in our bodies — sometimes to an amazing degree.
In my book, I talk about the G-spot massage. This is for women who have difficulty orgasming and feeling sensation in their G-spots. Because we hold emotional traumas and upsets in our muscles, causing them to be tight and painful to the point of numb, where do we hold sexual abuse and misuse? That's right, the G-spot—perhaps the entire pelvic region. I encourage you to get my book, Female Ejaculation and the G-spot, and read that chapter.
I attended a “sex and spirit” conference here in Santa Fe this weekend called Shamanism, Sex and Enlightenment. One of the lectures given by a licensed psychologist was about using shamanic practices to help heal trauma. Shamans — South American tribal “doctors” who work with illness on an emotional and spiritual level — believe we can “lose our soul” when we are abused and terrorized. To them, healing involves restoring the soul back to the individual. This is healing on more than a mental level, in the body and spirit of a person, too.
The same idea and methods to heal can be applied to sexual abuse and the vagina. It is likely you hold guilt and shame around feeling aroused when you were raped, causing you to not feel good about orgasming with your husband. You may have worked out those issues in therapy, but they are still lodged in the body and your spirit, causing you to shut down your personal erotic pleasure.
Let's put it this way: when a woman breaks up with a man she loved, often it’s hard to have sex with herself or another for quite awhile. Her enthusiasm (spirit) and her body just aren’t into it. Imagine then, if one was raped at a young age. Touching oneself or allowing feelings of trust and love with a partner she loves can be difficult to the point of impossible. Many women deal with sexual abuse by shutting down their feelings and becoming either frigid or promiscuous. Some can orgasm easily, but never open to trust, love and intimacy, because they are terrified of being vulnerable and cannot trust on that level due to sexual abuse or rape.
Another example of how our bodies talk to us, if we could only learn to listen, is that painful or annoying clitoral sensation is, in trauma cases, emotional expression of your feelings about sex. For instance, I'm sure it was very painful to go through a rape, and “annoying” is probably.... if you looked at it ... contained rage. Of course, anyone can receive painful stimulation and be annoyed. But I am dealing with the root of your issue here; I'm not interested in the symptoms but rather the cause.
Sex is emotional by nature, especially the G-spot orgasm. Having an orgasm and expressing the rage you feel at a rape can be healing. Having an orgasm and feeling love and vulnerability is also healing. You can practice these things on your own at home, as well as seek out some alternative practitioners who are willing to work with you on sexual abuse at this level of mind, body, spirit. In my book, I talk about some mind-body-spirit sexual therapy I did on myself. It really can help, and the results can restore your erotic connection to yourself and your body--which is your right and your birthright to have back - as a rape can take that from you and steal your sexual soul.
My very best to you, and know that you can heal from this and be orgasmic, vulnerable, juicy and erotically loving again.
Deborah
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Send your questions to askfanny@fatalemedia.com.
